The little perks of life
by Alina Larin
Summary: This is Josh/Zoey story. Sometimes it takes time and a lot of heartache to find that one person.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the "West Wing" characters, which belong to A.Sorkin.

CHAPTER 1

**Abbey**

It's a middle of the night and I am sitting in the Residence's living room cradling my sleeping daughter in my arms. Even if Zoey had wanted to sleep in her own bedroom I don't think I would have been able to let go of her. After all those hours of hopelessness… Now I can admit to myself that in the deepest part of my heart I thought we'd lost her, that we would never see her again. Of course I did not let myself even think it but the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was just that. But now it all does not matter. Because my baby is with me, in my arms and I will keep her safe from now on. No matter what it would cost me. I really mean it this time: medicine, my marriage and the White House can just take a back seat. For once I will be just a mother. Something I've never done in my entire life.

"Josh…"

My daughter's soft whisper interrupts my thoughts.

"Josh… Josh…"

She keeps calling this name and her good hand is moving as if trying to reach something. I grab her fingers and start making soothing noises rocking her slightly like I used to do when she was a baby.

"Josh…" she whispers again, a small smile appearing on her face as she settles back into the sleep.

I keep holding her, my mind going at a speed of a hundred miles per second. Why is Zoey calling for Joshua Lyman? Is she calling for Josh Lyman? She must be because I've never heard of any other Joshes in her life. But why would she be calling for him after such ordeal? I could expect her calling for Jed or myself or perhaps Charlie, but Josh Lyman-the White House Deputy Chief of Staff? I look at her face, she looks so tired… There are deep circles under her eyes. I will have to keep an eye on her and figure out what Josh has to do with this.

**Zoey**

Oh God, I cannot believe what just happened!! But it is true!! And there is nothing I can do to turn things back… I have just admitted to my mother that I love Josh Lyman, I admitted that I've been in love with him for the past 5 years!!

I don't know what forced this confession out of me. I've gotten pretty good in denying that I had any feelings for him and burying this part of my soul so deep that I convinced the world and sometimes myself that it did not exist at all.

After I got back everybody was walking around me on tiptoe. And if in DC I expected some tricky questions from some idiot reporter who would dare the wrath of my father, when we got to the farm I let my guard down. I felt so tired that all my most inner emotions came to the surface. I've been dreaming about Josh almost every night and sometimes even indulged in thinking about him during the day. I knew that time away from the White House would do me good and I could rebuild the walls around these feelings so I could exist normally just as I was used to. But this morning it all went to hell.

My mother had been married to a politician for so many years not for nothing. She could trick anybody into feeling completely safe just to hit them with a baseball bat of a question. And this morning I became her target. We were just having pancakes for breakfast when she poured me coffee and asked point blank if I still had my crash on Josh.

The fact that she knew about it did not surprise me. I mean everybody who worked on the campaign knew about it. I was eighteen and thought I was hiding my feelings so well only to realise afterwards how obvious I was. I think even my father noticed though he'd never acknowledged it. But I grew out of it quickly and being a president's daughter gives you some perks, one of which is that you're unlikely to be teased about your past crash on a member of the White House Senior Staff.

What took me by surprise was that my mother was not freaking out. She told me very calmly that she heard me calling for him almost every night since my return. And that if I had any feelings for Josh it would be probably a good time to talk about it. This was so far from the reaction I expected that I went into a shock and gone temporarily insane, which resulted in my admitting to my mother that I'd long ago got over my crash on Josh and had fallen completely in love with him. Thank God, I managed to stop myself there and did not tell my mother anything else.

She did not even pretend to be surprised. I don't know what I expected. Lightning and thunder, perhaps? But all she did was nod and asked if Josh knew. I could not contain a snort. What did my mother think? That I would just go and tell Josh Lyman that I was head over hills in love with him? He was either going to have a coronary or run for the hills as fast as he could - and neither option was acceptable to me. I need Josh alive and well and I want to be able to see him without my agents dragging him in kicking and screaming.

My mother was not fazed by my sarcasm. She asked why not? I decided to nip this discussion in the bud and mention the one point that really makes everything else irrelevant. Everybody in DC knows about it so I was not rattling anything out. Josh loves Donna and Donna loves Josh. Whether they are aware of these feelings is another matter. I agree with most of the White House female staff that Donna knows exactly how she feels but Josh is oblivious. And of course there is this boss and assistant thing that stops one or both of them on acting on their feelings.

And here my mother surprised me again. She raised her eyebrows and stated that she highly doubted any of that was true. It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. In response she pointed out that Josh Lyman was a master politician and by everybody's admission the best strategist in DC. These skills required very refined abilities on reading people's feelings and thoughts. So it was simply impossible that he was blind to Donna's feelings especially considering that they spend 20 hours a day together and she actually lived with him for 3 months after the shooting. And if these feelings existed and were mutual it's ridiculous to think he could not get around boss and assistant thing. The guy manages on the daily basis to single-handedly manipulate the United States Congress and Senate.

I started to object that C.J. and the rest of the Senior Staff thought that Josh could be completely clueless when things came to relationships and feelings. But my mother was having none of that. She said that Josh did not have a good track record with women but the man was not dumb. And the fact that he was popular with women meant that he understood them. But even if both Josh and Donna were clueless they no doubt had heard the rumours about their relationship and if there was something there it would have opened their eyes.

What she was saying was something I've thought myself many times but hearing it from somebody else was making a difference. My mother gave me a look and decided that I had enough information to brood over. She kissed me and headed to the living room but stopped just short of the door.

"If you really love him Zoey, you need to tell him. If Josh Lyman is the man for you then you owe it to yourself at least to fight for your own happiness and not think about others. Sometimes you just have to be an egoist."

**Josh**

I don't think I've ever felt so awful in my life. With Joannie I was still a kid and I guess childhood makes it easier to cope with loss. After Illinois primary I had an election to run and no matter how heartless it sounds I did not have time to grieve. Then we moved straight into the White House, something I dreamt my whole life about. And I suppose losing a parent is what nature prepares us for. After Roslyn I was in pain, weak and ill but also so damn angry at these bastards who tried to kill my good friend and instead shot me that I was going to recover in the shortest possible time just to get back at them. Next Christmas my mind was buzzing so loud that I could not feel anything. And again my anger helped me, I went through hell and back during the three months of my recovery I was not giving up now. But today I don't know what I feel. I am too devastated to be angry, too lost. I am lost…

And the evening started so promising… After Zoey came back Amy and I decided to start over. In the immediate aftermath neither her nor me had time and today was the first night when we could spend an evening together. We went for a nice dinner and then ended up at my place. Sex was good as usual and then I fell asleep - all the exhaustion catching up with me. I woke up to the sound of sobs and saw Amy crying her eyes out next to me. I tried to comfort her but she pulled away and rushed to the bathroom. When she emerged ten minutes later she said we had to talk. And there it was… She said that she could not go on any longer without telling me. And perhaps it was selfish of her but she just could not carry on seeing me if I did not know. And then she told me. She told me that when we were dating she found out that she was pregnant. It was the fortnight when we were pulling at the opposite sides of the bill with Marriage Incentives. I won, Amy had to resign and next day "exercised her right to choose" as she put it. She said that it was her decision and she would learn to live with that but she could not keep lying to me and that she was sorry for everything.

I could not describe how I felt. Children were an alien concept to me. I mean I knew I wanted them at some point and perhaps sooner rather than later. But it never occurred to me that somebody would make a decision about my baby and I would not even know. And not just somebody but a woman I thought about having a serious relationship with. Amy robbed me of my right to at least know, to at least be involved in this decision and I knew straight away that I would never be able to forgive her. I think it was written on my face because she quickly left and I have not seen her since. It's been a week. And I don't think I am even close to getting my head around this. I am empty… And one thought keeps coming back into my head… Zoey would never have done that.


	2. Chapter 2

Abbey

**Abbey**

This morning I asked Zoey about Josh and she confessed to me that she loved him. Though I expected something like that it still shocked me especially the look in her eyes. It made me realize that I have missed my baby daughter growing up. Don't get me wrong, I knew that Zoey was an adult for a long time. She lived her own life since she was sixteen and was a lot more mature than my other two daughters. Perhaps it was because she had grown up among people who were a lot older than her. She was involved in political campaigns ever since she was twelve. And one year of a presidential campaign can easily count for five. During these years Liz was safely married and Ellie was at University, Zoey on the other hand was in the midst of it. She met Josh there...

But I have missed something else, I missed my daughter losing her naivety, the absolutely belief in happiness that a girl her age should have. When and how did she become so disillusioned and insecure that she resigned herself to an unrequited love that she kept in secret from the rest of the world for years?! My baby daughter who is a princess in this world!! Who should be convinced that she could get anything and anybody!! What happened to that feeling of absolute invincibility? Whose fault was that, mine or Jed's? Or perhaps Josh's?!

I'm trying to understand when she fell in love with him. They met when Zoey was seventeen. I knew she admired Josh and soon developed a crash on him. Everybody knew, even Josh himself. I was grateful that he treated her with respect and not once laughed at her feelings. But I know that it never went further. At a time Josh was completely ensorcelled, using his own expression, with Mandy. He was busy fighting and making up with her so often that made me respect his stamina. When we got into the White House, Zoey was on her gap year and when she returned I was pleased to see how much she'd grown up. She seemed to be really happy at the time. With guilt I have to admit that I was too preoccupied by learning how to be a First Lady. But I remember seeing Josh and Zoey a couple of times together. She wanted to major in politics and talked to Josh about it. Looking back it was probably when her crash turned into something serious. What I don't know is what caused her to ask Charlie out. Was it Mandy Hampton coming back to the Whitehouse? Whatever it was, everybody, me included, thought that they were very happy together. And then there was the shooting. Zoey was devastated. Her father was shot, Josh had barely made it alive through a fourteen hours surgery and it all was because of her dating Charlie. Though with her head she understood that she could not be blamed for the acts of madmen, it had to be very hard for her to rid herself of the feeling of guilt. She went to see Josh the first day when they allowed visitors. Donna told me later that she managed to make him smile. But when she left her eyes were raw with pain. She seemed to recover well, she even gone out with Charlie for a couple of months but then they broke up and to my knowledge it was her initiative. Afterwards she did not date for a long time. She said she wanted to concentrate on her studies. Now I understand that her reasons were different. Josh was alone at that time as well. (I am not counting a number of women he had one night stand with. DC is full of single women and Josh Lyman is an attractive man with an aura of power and money around him. But he did not have a girlfriend.) And then he met Amy and my daughter started dating Jean Paul, may his soul burn in hell.

My musings come to an end as a thought forms in my head. This can't go on for much longer. It's ruining Zoey's life. Maybe she and Josh have a future together, maybe not. But it has to come out in the open between them and be decided once and for all. If Josh rejects her, then she can really move on. If he does not, well, then maybe she will regain some of her self belief in the greater good. But I'll be damned if I sit and watch her putting her life in danger again because Josh Lyman's got a new girlfriend.

**Zoey**

The conversation with my mother really stirred everything I've been hiding for so many years. I blame my unruly tongue for that. Why on Earth I decided all over sudden to go off spilling my guts?! Thank God, I did not tell her everything. Everything being that Josh and I had a thing four years ago…

It was just after my gap year. I was planning to go to University and decided to resolve my most wild oath aka a crash on Josh Lyman.

After that night when my father was cooking chilly (God help us when he decides to do that again) Josh and I went for a walk. We were discussing the courses I was planning on taking. Josh was talking about something very passionately and as usual looked really good when he did it. So I took my moment and kissed him. He returned the kiss but did not deepen it. When we separated he shook his head and told me point blank that it was a bad idea.

I responded with all the innocence I could master and enquired why he thought that. His reply did not surprise me. He said that a one night stand between friends usually did not lead to good things. I told him that I didn't want a one night stand with him and his smile vanished as he replied sternly that in that case it was even worse idea than he had thought before. His hand was constantly running through his hair which made me think that this gesture was probably the reason behind his thinning locks. Josh decided to elaborate and listed all the reason why us being together was a bad idea, that he was nineteen years older, worked for my father who was the President of the United States etc. etc. etc. I knew everything he was going to say in advance. I've thought about it myself many-many times before but I also knew that none of that mattered if he had feelings for me and of course all of it was absolutely irrelevant if he did not. Josh did not say that he did not find me attractive so I still had a chance and could reason with him. I started by telling him the truth about being the youngest daughter of the first governor and then president Bartlet and the fact that this position did not inspire a great personal life. And I wanted to have a life and experiences that any girl of my age would have. But I couldn't just date anybody unless I wanted to read about how good I was in bed in the Youth magazine. So nobody could blame me for wanting to learn something about love between a man and a woman. And I wanted it to be with a man whom I trusted, who cared about me and who knew what he was doing.

While I talked I could see Josh's face softening. I doubt many people had seen such expression on his face. And then I delivered my final argument. I admitted out loud my crash on him and told him that I'd like his help in getting over it.

The outcome of this conversation was the best two months of my life when Josh and I were together. It was a secret affair and both of us did our outmost best to hide it from a spying eye of Washington. I still can't believe that we got away with it but, hey, my father managed to conceal his MS for over 10 years. But all good things must come to an end. And this time it was Josh who put a stop to "us". After the accident in the bar when Charlie had defended me so bravely, Josh suggested that I should ask him out. It hurt like hell to hear him say it. But I took the hint and decided that I should save at least some remnants of my pride. I did just what Josh asked from me and sworn to never look back. But I was not able and, if I am honest with myself, willing to forget our time together. The memory of these two months helped me through the next four years and had kept me sane in that trailer when I was kidnapped. When panic started to overwhelm me I would close my eyes and bring up memories of Josh's hands around me, the feel of his kisses and the sound of his breathing when he was asleep next to me. However brief our time together was, nobody could take it away from me and I would always have it with me, stored securely in my heart and in my mind. And so would Josh.

**Josh**

I am lying in my bed surrounded by tissues and cough remedies and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Donna has left an hour ago after giving me a list of instructions but I am planning to stick to only one of them - staying in bed. Donna is really busy at work at the moment, something you can't say about me. After the disaster with Carrick I expected that Leo would come up with some punishment. And when he said he was going to whack me – I was not too worried. But what had happened turned out to be way more serious than my worse nightmare. He pretty much put me on the back bench. Officially I still attended the Senior Staff meetings but my remit has been reduced to arranging official visits and sorting out local transport policies. And the worse of it is that it does not seem to be temporal. Leo has brought in Angela and I know enough about politics to know what it means. In a couple of month maximum half a year the President would accept my resignation stating that I felt it was time to move on with my carrier. I would be put on the board of a couple of multinationals, my account would probably triple in size and I'll be done in democratic politics at least for a few years. Russel would get a democratic nomination and he already has a Chief-of-Staff. I could try to run for Senate but being Jewish means that I have to be married into an influential Anglo-Saxon family to stand even a chance and the last time I looked the candidates did not line up on my front porch. So all I am is a forty year old man with a history of mental health problems.

This is the time when my phone rings. The caller ID states "unknown" so I don't pick up. It stops ringing but immediately starts again. This time I pick up expecting it to be some reporter I could send to hell but the voice I hear makes me sit up in bed. It's the First Lady. God knows why is she phoning me, she should be in Manchester with Zoey?! Her words confirm to me that she indeed is there and moreover she suggests that I join them. A horrifying thought enters my brain that Mrs Bartlet somehow found out about my history with Zoey but I quickly dismiss it since in that case she would have never invited me to the ranch. So I decide to politely give my excuses citing my cold and work commitments but Dr Bartlet interrupts me before I can finish. She says that my cold would get better with fresh air and care of a professional and my workload at the moment could be easily handled by an undersecretary. That fact that she knows about my de facto dismissal does not surprise me. Sometimes I think she has eyes and ears in every single room in the White House even when she is 5 thousand miles away. Before I can say anything else her voice changes, she tells me that it would be nice for Zoey to have somebody around who would understand what she'd been through and who had experience in fighting demons of his own. My heart sinks again when I think about what Zoey went through and how much of a close call it was. The First Lady immediately feels my hesitation and quickly switches into a business mode. She informs me that she chartered a private jet and Donna will be with me in 2 hours with 2 pills I should take that would make my trip more pleasant. By that time I already understand that I don't really have a choice in this matter and that more importantly I am quite glad that Dr Bartlet arranged for me to go away from Washington. So I say that I'll be there and she instructs me to give Donna a vacation and that she bought her an open return ticket to any place in the US. She adds that the flight is from Baltimore and her voice makes me wonder how much does she really know about Donna? I mutter my thanks and she hangs up.

My next phone call is to Leo who sounds awfully pleased that I am taking a vacation. He wishes me a pleasant time and it makes my blood boil. But at the moment I can't think about it so I file it for future consideration. Two minutes later my phone rings again. It's CJ and without saying hello she starts shouting at me that I must be out of my God damn mind to be leaving DC at such time. How could I be going on vacation when I need to be seen going about my business as normal?! Do I not care about my career and the Administration trying to negotiate a new budget?! That is the last drop and all my frustration and anger, that'd been bottled up ever since the thing with Amy, spills out. I yell down the phone that I've been putting my career and this damn Administration above everything else for the last 5 years and that's where it led me. CJ tries to object but I tell her that I am still White House Deputy Chief of Staff so unless Leo fires me I still outrank her and will appreciate if she remembers that. I think I've rendered CJ speechless for the first time ever so I use this opportunity and hang up. I take few deep breaths and force my heart to slow down. A thought enters my mind and I smile. In a couple of hours I will be out of DC and I'll see Zoey.


	3. Chapter 3

Abbey

This is the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it. Please review.

**Abbey**

I've done everything I could. I've brought Zoey and Josh together away from DC with no press, friends or colleagues around. I am going to let them figure things out. Hopefully they would do it…

**Zoey**

Josh has arrived to the farm last night. When my mother told me he was coming I was ready to kill her. But now I am glad. He looked really knackered when he got out of the car. And it was not just because of the cold, the spark in his eyes was gone but his smile was warm when he saw me and I felt this peaceful feeling spreading in my heart - we were at the ranch, away from the White House, the press and politics. Maybe… Just maybe this time we could… I am too scared to even think it. But I will gather my courage and fight for me happiness.

**Josh**

I feel as if I have just arrived home. It's really strange. I've been to the farm many times before and it never felt like that. Home was either Connecticut or more recently DC. But this morning when I got downstairs I found Zoey in the kitchen alone. She was making pancakes and met me with a smile. I always liked her smile, it has this illuminating feel to it. We chatted a bit. Mrs Bartlet went for a hike in the morning and was not going to be back before dinner. So after breakfast we settled in the living room with a monopoly game and I felt relaxed for the first time since I could remember.

**Abbey**

I have just reached the first viewing platform of the hill which gives me a very picturesque view. But my thoughts are far away. I left Josh and Zoey alone today. I hope they are going to use this time. I pray that it would be OK. I have a long day ahead of me.

**Zoey**

Josh and I are seating in the living room playing monopoly. Both of us are incredibly lazy and it was good thinking on my part to bring a whole bunch of drinks and snacks from the kitchen. Initially when he came downstairs I felt tensed thinking about the conversation I was planning on having with him but Josh immediately declared that he was starving and the pancakes I was making smelt delicious. Watching him stuff his face made me relax. This was Josh, the man who knew most of my embarrassing secrets and had plenty of his own-so there was no reason to pretend around him. Of course, what I was planning on asking him today was not going to be easy and could hurt like hell, but I was damn if I was not going to at least try. At the end of the day his answer would not be influenced by anything I said. He either wanted to be with me or he did not and there was no point fretting about it.

That what I decided in the morning, however now it's two hours later and the sinking feeling is building up in my stomach. I've lost interest in the game about half an hour ago and all I can think about that Josh and I are alone in the room and he looks absolutely delicious spread on the floor next to me his long fingers wrapped around a cup of coffee. Suddenly I can't wait any longer. So I look up into his brown eyes and blurt out my question.

"Josh, do you ever think about us?"

**Josh**

Zoey's question takes me by surprise, though I did have a feeling that there was a reason why Mrs Bartlett left us all alone but I thought that it was done so that Zoey could speak more openly about what happened to her. But it seems that Zoey has other plans. She is staring at me with her big sparkling eyes that one can drown in and I don't have the heart to lie to her.

"Yes," I answer honestly. "More and more each day," I add silently in my head.

"Do you regret it?" she asks again her gaze not wavering from my face.

"No, of course not," the answer shoots out of my mouth before I can stop to think and I can see a small smile forming on her face. She takes a deep breath and this time I know what's coming.

"Do you regret ending it?"

Now I know for certain that I should lie. Hey, if she had asked me two weeks ago I could have honestly answered "no" to this. But ever since that night with Amy I've been thinking the same thing. Among all the women I've ever known Zoey would be my first choice for a role of the mother of my child.

"Answer me honestly, Josh," she says in a strict voice and I damn her ability to read me so well. She is staring into my eyes so intently as if she is trying to read my soul. And what can I say? I am too weak to resist her.

"Yes," I answer almost in a whisper and this time I add aloud, "more and more every day."

**Abbey**

Well, I have reached the top of the hill. It's time to turn back. God, oh God, I hope the conversation between Zoey and Josh is going to go well. I think for a minute about what will I consider "well" in this situation? My baby daughter in a relationship with a man who is almost twenty years older than her, has a history of physical and mental illness and an ego a size of the Empire State Building? Jed would have a coronary (I can only hope, not in a literal sense) when he finds out. And he does not even know about Donna and Ellie. I smile to myself. I only want my children to be happy. And if this happiness is found outside of what is known to be a traditional relationship, then who cares?! We are the First Family; we'll never be normal.

**Zoey **

My heart soars and I can't stop myself from smiling. I am grinning like an idiot and throw my arms around him. He hugs me back but I know that his mind is still fighting this. So I deliver a final blow.

"I love you, Josh," I say and he stiffens, "I loved you every minute of every day for the past five years and I will not let you go again."

He buries his face in my hair and inhales deeply. "Oh, Zoey, Zoey," I can hear him murmur. Then he pushes me away slightly so he can hold my head in his hands while his eyes search my face. "Do you know what you're doing?" he asks, "Are you sure you want to be with me for the rest of my life? It could be a long time."

I smile and hit him on the shoulder, "It will be a really long time," I say. "You might get bored." He chuckles lightly but quickly sobers up.

"But really, Zoey," his voice softens, "You know it's not going to be easy. Your father is going to go mental, the press will have a field day and even our friends, I doubt, would be cheering. And they will have a good reason to be concerned. The First daughter and a Jew-it's not going to go down well with some people." He is about to continue but I press a finger to his lips.

"Josh, do you want to be with me?" I ask.

"Zoey…" I can hear a whining note in his voice.

"No, really, Josh. Because you have to go through exactly the same: my father's wrath, scrutiny of the press, CJ's fury and hate mail. I know that I don't care about any of that as long as we are together but it might be different for you. Am I worth all the hassle?"

**Josh**

I look at her in outrage, how could she possibly think that she's not?

"Of course," I reply. "But Zoey…" I stop myself mid sentence. I don't want to do another round about why we should not be together. Both of us know all the reason: my age, heritage, history, job-to name just a few, and both of us are now way past caring. Instead I voice the one thing that really scares the living day light out of me. "You have a whole life ahead of you," I whisper, "I don't want you to wake up one morning and feel trapped in a relationship that you have outgrown. I don't think I would be selfless enough to let you go."

The frown on her face disappears and is replaced by a beautiful smile. "Oh, Josh, you can be so daft sometimes. I have been in love with you for 5 years, I have tried everything to fall out of this love, from dating other guys to going to the other side of the world, and failed miserably. I think this is a good enough evidence that the scenario you've just painted is highly unlikely. So if you don't have anything better, can you just stop talking and finally kiss me?"

She looks at me from under her lashes and pouts. That nearly kills me and I lower my face to her and feel her soft lips on my mouth. I am definitely done here.

**Abbey**

I am absolutely knackered when I get home. And in my heart I am dreading what I am going to find when I open the front door. I decide to get it over and done with and go to find Zoey. I don't have to go far. She is in the living room, curled up around Josh on the coach. He is fast asleep but my daughter is awake. She lifts her head that has been resting on his chest and smiles at me. I have not seen this smile of hers for so long. And I smile back. My daughter has come back to me.

End


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